


Genitalia Town

by alessandralee



Category: What’s The Best Kind Of Penis For You Based On Your Zodiac Sign? (Buzzfeed Quiz)
Genre: Gen, I'm Sorry, Yuletide 2015, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5462027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alessandralee/pseuds/alessandralee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently, if you dare your friend to submit a quiz about penises as a fandom for Yuletide, you are then obligated to write fic for it. So here it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Genitalia Town

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plinys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/gifts).



> I am a good friend.
> 
> And [valkyrierising](http://archiveofourown.org/users/valkyrierising) is also a good friend for beta reading this.

“Out of all the terrible ideas you’ve had, this one has got to be the worst,” Curved Penis leans over Teeny Tiny Penis to look at the computer screen.

“What did you expect?” Clever Penis interrupts. “He’s only got one head to think with and it’s, well, teeny tiny.”

Clever is exactly the type of penis to laugh at his own jokes, and he does. Sometimes Curved thinks the only penis who actually finds him clever is himself.

He’s definitely bought into his own hype.

He’s one of those jerks who dresses as Sherlock Holmes every Halloween (how does he manage to find a different penis-sized tweed deerstalker every year? Who keeps enabling him?), and considers himself a sapiosexual.

Sapiosexual.

More like ‘so up himself that he needs an excuse for all the nights he spends alone.’

If only there were more sentient penises hanging around separate from their bodies, no one would have to put up with such terrible company.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and at least Clever provides more stimulating conversation than the dildos down the street.

One time Teeny Tiny spent hours waiting for one of them to reply to a simple question about how it’s day went.

One that note, maybe Clever does have a point about the size of Tiny’s brain.

Curved sighs, wishing to himself that it was easier to get out there are meet other genitals. There has to be a vagina or an asshole out there that would appreciate his unique skillset.

Reaching all those hard to find nooks and crannies.

No one does it like he does.

At this point, he’d settle for a mouth, or even a hand.

Maybe he should try online dating. But the thought of picking out photos to post to his profile is exhausting enough. He doesn’t think he has the stamina to endure it.

A sudden rise in the nearby voices shocks Clever from his thoughts and back to the conversation at hand, which has taken a turn for the worse.

“This is preposterous,” Clever yells at Teeny Tiny. “I am most certainly not a Taurus.”

Somehow, Clever is now wearing a monocle, which makes him seem even more ridiculous.

(Where did it come from? It’s not like the guy has pockets to hold things. Skin folds?)

“Stubborn as a mule, I’d say,” Curved mutters under his breath.

Luckily, Clever is too worked up to pay him any attention. He’s almost fully erect.

“Maybe not literally,” Teeny Tiny remarks, “but deep in your soul, you’re definitely muleish.”

Clever snorts, white fluid spraying awkwardly out of him, “Astrology isn’t real, dipshit. It’s for brainless halfwits with nothing better to do with their lives. That must be why you enjoy it so much.”

“You’re just jealous because I’m the only one small enough to use a keyboard properly. Remember when you tried to send that email to MENSA? It was full of typos, I bet they laughed at you when they read it,” Teeny Tiny takes the upper hand in the conversation.

Curved considers mentioning that he can type too, as long as he gets the right angle. It’s a painstakingly slow activity, and messy work, kind of like this conversation.

He keeps his thoughts to himself.

At least the argument between Tiny and Clever is entertaining. Tiny is so relaxed and flaccid, but Clever looks like he’s just about ready to blow. Someone’s clearly gotten under his (fore)skin.

“Well the joke’s on you,” Clever says mockingly. “I bought a dictation app, so now I can send as many proofread emails as I want.”

“Can your dictation app make Buzzfeed quizzes?” Teeny Tiny asks. Clever blushes bright red. Clearly not. “Then I guess you’ll have to live with being a Taurus.”

And with that, Teeny Tiny leans over to click the submit button on his quiz. Seconds later a success message pops up the screen.

Clever grumbles something under his breath about not inviting Teeny Tiny to his potluck dinner and documentary night later this week. It’s an empty threat, though. So few penises want to attend that, he practically has to beg anyone to show up.

There’s not much to do locally. It’s better than penis bowling. Curved tried that once, it didn’t end well.

Curved once again peers over Teeny Tiny at the computer screen. He’d meant to check what zodiac sign he was representing. It’s much harder to do now that it’s gone public.

He has to click through each individual sign until he reaches his own.

Scorpio.

He can live with that. Scorpios are intense and mysterious.

Curved wishes he was intense and mysterious.

They’re also known for being adventurous in bed.

Now that is most certainly accurate.

“Oooooh,” Cooing Penis enters the room, immediately drawn to the light of the computer screen. He wrestles Teeny Tiny for control of the mouse (those two have never liked each other for some reason. Curved doesn’t get it. Cooing might not be the most talkative penis on the block, but there are definitely worse ones to interact with). 

“Geminiiiiiiii,” All of Cooing’s words are awkwardly drawn out and high pitched, like he’s talking to a baby. Originally, Curved thought it was just him trying to live up to his name, but after years of listening to it, he thinks the name was applied interactively. “I’m so cute. Oooooh.”

Things are quiet in the room for a while after that. Cooing has the habit of destroying any potential for conversation.

In an attempt to break the silence, Curved takes control of the computer mouse.

“Maybe we should take another quiz,” he suggests.

He scrolls down the page, skipping over a breakfast cereal personality quiz, Disney villain quiz, and Harry Potter spell quiz, until he finds something that he knows will at least entertain someone.

“Hey Clever,” he calls out, in an attempt to soothe any bruise egos, “there’s a Doctor Who trivia quiz.”

“I will wipe the floor with you,” Clever instantly tries to make it a competition. “You will weep when I’m through with you.”

Curved rolls his eyes, but he clicks the link anyway. At least this way Clever won’t be so damn moody all day.


End file.
